Daily Prophet: One Shots
by Marauder no. Five
Summary: humerous one shots that nobody would dream of putting in the daily prophet. rated just in case.
1. Chapter 1

disclaimer: who would pay me for this stuff? come on i wanna know. everything but plot belongs to J.K. blah blah blah.

The Daily Prophet

DEATH EATERS STRIVE

FOR MUGGLE PROTECTION

Maruder no.5 reporter

Yesterday major disturbances were caused when the Death eaters (a community group dedicated to severing the dark Lord Voldemort and the touring and killing of innocent muggles) protested outside the ministry of magic for the protection of muggle humanoids.

Minister for magic, Cornelius Fudge had this to say. "I think that the Death Eaters should be stopped. This is not a natural occurrence."

The ministry court gathered yesterday afternoon to discuss the problem at hand.

"I think that the Death Eaters should have the right to protest against flaws in the magical law." Said Albus Dumbledore; Headmaster of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.

Mr Harry Potter, the-boy-who-lived told reporters "if the Deatheaters want to protest for the rights of muggles then they obviously have some unseen plans for concurring the world."

"How this will come about we are still not sure but my friends and I will get to the bottom of if."

This morning Mr Potter and his friends; Hermione Granger, Ronald Weasley, Nevile Longbottom, and Luna Lovgood sent to the ministry of magic the lifelessly, limp body of the once most feared wizard in the world; Lord Voldemort.

"it is a shame we had to loose such a fine example of a hopelessly, beyond repairable, form of a dark soul." Said Albus Dumbledore after the incident. "imagine all the good he could have accomplished if he had not done bad. A shame, a real shame."

And so the downfall of our dear, our own, our beloved Lord Voldemort has come to pass. We will all morn his death and shun his murderers from society. It is what he would have wanted.

This horribly funny newspaper article was brought to you by the wonderously fasinating person who also wrote: Devils may cry, Forgotten and Fallen, and her wimpy lttle dweeb of a brother.

A.N. so did you like it? Well right and tell me in a review. It's great publicity.

Don't forget to read my other work and at the end of each chapter press the go button which is directly right of the button that reads submit review.


	2. proud reporter

**A.N. **_I know I said the first chapter was going to be the last but since you nice people wanted another here you go. But be warned…there is only so much one can babble on about._

**Disclaimer:** _yeah,I'm am so making money off this. I have no hope for the world._

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**Proud reporter tells readers that what's-his-name-of-the-first-part and others die because what's-his-name-of-the-second-part killed them and that the reporter doesn't know why they were where they were.**

This reporter is proud to tell you that he-who-must-not-be-named-but-sometimes-is-anyway-even-though-a-lot-of-people-are-scared-stupid-of-said-name-but-what-the-hell-VOLDEMORT!-VOLDEMORT!-VOLDEMORT! Was slaughtered unmercifully by the-boy-who-lived-but-is-lucky-he-did-because-he-should've-died-the-first-time-and-saved-us-mainly-me-of having-to-write-all-this-stuff-without-using-a-space-which-let-me-tell-you-is-very-difficult-I'm-going-to-stop-now-so-you-can-find-out-what happened-oopps-I-used-a-space--giggles--stopping now-oopps-another-space-you-know-I-could-have-just-deleted-some-of-this-but-hey-it's-adding-more-words-so-my-story-is longer-not-that you really-…-oopps-two-more-spaces-there-sorry-…-now-back-to-mr-story-or-mrs-story-or-perhaps-it's-miss-or-ms-story-what-does-ms-stand-for-anyway-?-oh-well-I'm-definatley-stopping-his-name-now-right-where-was-I-oh-yes-voldy-getting-slaughtered-you know-what-lets-vaporise-him-instead

Starting again now…

This reporter is proud to tell you that he-who-must-not-be-named-but-sometimes-is-anyway-even-though-a-lot-of-people-are-scared-stupid-of-said-name-but-what-the-hell-VOLDEMORT!-VOLDEMORT!-VOLDEMORT! Was slaughtered unmercifully by no wait we're vaporising him aren't we ok so all that but cross out slaughtered and add in little… make that FUNNY little writing… in red or blue of course green and that yellowy colour which isn't really yellow but it's not orange yet also work… **_vaporised_** or **_incinerated_** because incineration sounds good as well. Say it with me now **_incineration_**. Perhaps we could do both wait where did all this _we_ stuff come from? You readers get out of my story! I haven't posted it yet but you still manage to interfere. Out out oot what was that I think maybe it was another out? Or am I morphing into an ancestral being of some kind. Oh well, write what ever it is we're writing above the crossed out slaughtered because as I've said we're not doing that one anymore. There's that we stuff again.

Oh goody I've filled a page with useless crap that is _surprisingly_ **useless!**

Sorry if any one's confused I'll go back and highlight all the stuff that you should be reading in green.

Let's recap shall we. Voldemort was in a muggle supermarket don't ask me why perhaps he needed to get a loaf of bread and some milk but we will never know because he was incinerated. Oh and vaporised. - am I going to fast for you. Yes? Ok Voldy vaporised **_and_** incinerated by Harry Potter. What he was doing in a muggle supermarket I don't know either. So don't ask. Any suggestions would be welcome though.

I think that's where I was up to. Righty tighty ohh. That's righty and ohh with a tighty in the middle for those people who are a little slow off the mark. Like this person sitting next to me who just asked me what it meant. And as you may have guessed I don't know.

Perhaps I should add a little bit more detail. Scream I love marauder no.5 for yes and do something else for yes. To yesesessssssssssssssseses…es (I just made that up). Cool huh. _(Not a question.)_

Starting again…

This reporter who is me sitting in a class I can't remember what one it is but we're not doing anything anyway so it doesn't really matter, who is in school uniform (and looking quite good in it might I add) and as you should be able to guess is writing this. Something smells funny.

Too much information?

Starting again 3…2…1…

Me the reporter who as said before is writing this (aren't I a clever little monkey) is honored (thought it sounded better then proud. Besides it takes up nore…what the hell is nore oh right more…room) to inform (again a longer word) you (the readers that is those who are still reading) that afore mentioned person 1 was unmercifully…which one are we doing…found it…vaporised and incinerated by afore mentioned person 2 (couldn't be bothered writing their names again) thus saving the wizarding world and of course all the muggles and the in betweens and anybody really who was stupid enough to get in the way. But unfortunately or not unfortunately depending on your point of view said supermarket was also vaporised and incinerated. At the same time I think I should add. A full bladder was also in some way involved.

Thank you very much for reading this thing which someone was brain-dead enough to post which I know happened because you're reading this bit here and even if it didn't get posted it wouldn't matter because you wouldn't be reading this bit here. You also wouldn't be reading this if your brain cells where fried whilst trying to read the first few senseless lines at the beginning of this, which is usually where the first things are. Let this also serve as a warning…if you haven't tried really really strong coffee yet…Don't do it before school. I don't even like coffee

The stupid person who is sitting next to me who I told you about before just asked a question that surprisingly wasn't that stupid.

I don't know how afore mentioned person 2 vaporised and incinerated afore mentioned person 1 because hell I wasn't there. If I was I would have been vaporised and incinerated and would not be writing this. I take back what I said before. That was a stupid question. We'll have to ask the _SUPER SCARBOY_ who somehow escaped vaporization and most of the incinerating parts of this story. He's just a little toasty.

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**A.N.** Ya know throughout this whole story I've been spelling vaporised wrong. But oh well that's what the spell checker is for.

For those who are a little confused this is a news paper article like the other one I wrote and told everyone I wouldn't do another but it turns out I lied because I just did write another one. What sort of loser would put this in a newspaper I don't know? On second thoughts...The ministry controls the daily prophet and Fudge controls the ministry. So I guess Fudge controls the daily prophet and as Fudge is a loser and an idiot I guess this would get published. But on the other hand...This happened after book five and in book six which Fudge will most likely get sacked hey that means that the person who gets elected minister is going to be a loser and an idiot because this was posted in the daily prophet. We're all DOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

Sorry I just remembered green highlighters won't show up when I type and post this will it. Guess you're on your own now.

I could have posted the title and every one would have known what the story was about.

**Damn!**

I wrote two pages of nothing for nothing!

Hey! I wrote two pages!

You can review now.


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